Oh, hi there.

What a crazy couple months this has been for us! Kyle and I just wrapped up yet another semester of classes. He is now half way through law school, and I am done with my graduate couse work! All I have left is a couple big exams (one in January, one in March), completing my internships next semester (one at an elementary school and one at St. Louis Children's hospital) and I am DONE.   I am amazed at God's grace sustaining us through the last (almost) two years. There were many unknown factors and risks when we followed the Lord's guidance to come here, but he has made our paths straight.


(SLU Speech-Language Pathology, Class of 2012)

I wish we had any other big news to report other than the busy-ness of life. For those who have been inquiring/praying for my stepmom, we still thank you! As of this morning, dad said she's hanging in there, working through the pain. She is done with chemo, done with everything, trying to make the best of whatever is left. She has had to cut back to working part-time, which has been very hard. Diane loves her job and takes so much pride in her work. She's always had a deep commitment to the bank where she is a Senior Vice President. They have shown her incredible kindness and made it clear that her years of hard work would not go unnoticed. We are grateful for that. She will keep working as much and as often as she can.

There is an uncertainty about the whole situation, however, that makes the holidays a bit bleak. My dad and Diane LOVE Christmas and typically go all out. Dad told me this morning they haven't bought a single present because they've been trying to spend every moment together. What could anyone say to that? How do you face the holidays, knowing it's the last with someone you love so dearly? Shrug.


(Thanksgiving 2011)

A number of other health issues popped up over the last couple months in my family, including my stepdad getting an abscess colon which is incredibly dangerous and life-threatening. Our family has been in relatively good health for a long time with no major issues, so I suppose we were just "due."

In the midst of all this, Kyle and I are still trying for a baby, which is gut-wrenching. All the drugs, the books, the blogs, the talking to other couples with infertility - none of it can really predict how you will feel when you go through it and still see negative after negative. Some days I am able to trust in perfect peace, and be content that God's timing is perfect and some day we'll see all of this clearly, other days I am a haze of emotions from bitterness to jealousy to deep sorrow.

I can honestly say, however, that because of all of this (NOT in spite of all of this) I have gained a deeper love for Jesus, and a deeper love for my husband and family. I am continually amazed at God's kindness to me in these hard times, and the way it continues to shape my soul.

I am so often reminded of my sin, how prone I am to jealousy and gossip, to resentment and hopelessness, but he continues to remind me that my hope is not in the things of this world, my hope is in Christ alone.  He surrounds me with people who remind me of this.  He shows me that lasting joy is not found in anything here.  At some point all the people we love will pass away, all the dreams we have about our lives will mean nothing, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
(Psalm 73:26 ESV)


(August Gate's new location)

The next few weeks will be spent relaxing as much as possible, reading books, being crafty, and spending time with friends and family.  Kyle and I have are so happy and so deeply in love with each other.  I say that only out of gratefulness.  So many are torn apart by hard times, but Jesus has pushed our hearts closer together.  We are so excited to be home together (when not working) over the holidays.  We are truly trying to count our blessings instead of sheep.  I hope you all have a very merry Christmas filled with love and peace.

Say Whaaa? An update on making babies.

We're approaching the two-year anniversary of when we officially got the news we had infertility.  In some ways, not a lot has changed.  We still don't have children.  We still desire them.  We still love and trust Jesus (now even more than back then).

In some ways, lots of things have changed.  We live in a different state. We are both in graduate school.  We have been blessed to watch many (and what seems like most) of our friends have beautiful babies.  We've even seen some walk through the pain of losing their babies.  As I write this, I'm just finding out about my cousins who are losing their sweet newborn baby girl, Tilly Jo.  We've seen so much joy, and we've seen the depths of loss and grief.  We've lived.

Back in November I started seeing a specialist here in St. Louis, a reproductive endocrinologist, who sees a bajillion women with PCOS (that's Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome for you newbies) and other kinds of infertility and helps them get on the right track.  He read my history, and talked to me at length about my symptoms.  He was very interested and moderately puzzled.  He did not think I was the "classic case" of PCOS as my former doctor thought.

So we did more tests.  Lost of blood work.  Two of those nasty glucose tests.  To my surprise, they said I'm healthy.  They said it ISN'T PCOS.  Everything came back pretty normal, with the exception of very mild, sub-clinical (meaning - so mild they likely won't even treat it) hyperthyroidism.

The good news?  I'm pretty healthy.  The bad news?  We still have infertility; now it's just unexplained infertility.  There is now, apparently, no real explanation for why my cycle is so irregular and why we haven't been able to get pregnant.

So now I don't know what to do.  For now it seems we're just floating along, content to rest in the arms of Jesus, knowing that he is sovereign over all these things.  I mean that.  I really am fairly content (this week, anyway) and it is because I trust God.  I don't have any answers, except that I know we will be parents some day, and that I am still praying we will get to have biological children, as well as the adopted children we know God has for us.

It's hard to even ask for more prayer after all this time.  I can't even think of it when I look at my sweet cousins and think about little Tilly Jo who is going to be with Jesus soon.  Their loss makes my own pain feel trite, but it isn't.  God sees all of it.  Would you pray for them?

Thanks.

Announcements

I am at an age in life where it seems as though every day some friend somewhere is making some exciting announcement about his or her life.  I'm going to backpack across Europe! I'm engaged! I'm pregnant! I'm moving to (insert glamorous place) to (insert glamorous job)! I'm awesome at my life and marriage and career and reproduction!

These are all wonderful things.  After a while, though, one starts to hear these things and feel really insecure about her own life.  It starts to feel small, drudgerous, and flailing.  That is, at least, if you're anything like me, which I suspect many of you are.  

It isn't that you aren't happy for your friends and their beautiful homes, budding careers, shiny cars, flat stomachs, and fertile wombs.  It isn't even that you feel you deserve it any more than they do.  You know that we're all completely and equally undeserving of such wonderful blessings.  So what is the problem?  Why does it hurt?  Why does this happy news make you feel so unhappy?

In my life, I can usually answer this by simply stating "I'm just not content with where God has called me."  I feel like my plans and my desires are better.  On paper, it sure seems that way.  Who wouldn't want a real job and an income instead of accruing sickening amounts of debt in grad school?  Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to own a home instead of paying ridiculous rent for a crummy apartment for 5 years?  Who wouldn't want a naturally lean body instead of having to work out or count dumb old points?  Who wouldn't want ovaries that work instead of a bunch of little cysts that give you facial hair? 

Well, I guess I now have to raise my hand and say, "I wouldn't."  For the first time in a long time (maybe ever), I am beginning to look at all aspects of my life and see them in a much different light.  I am reaching a point where I can confidently say that I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  I know there is a greater purpose in everything.  It sounds so cliche, but it's true.  I know it.  I feel it.  God's word affirms it. 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Don't misunderstand this verse.  God isn't telling Israel that it's going to be a bed of roses.  In fact, they're about to face 70 years of exile from their homes.  They're going to serve an earthly Babylonian king who is corrupt.  They're going to face famine and disease.  So what is their future hope?  It is the same hope God gave to Abraham over 1000 years before:

The word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision: "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward. (Genesis 15:1)

The Lord himself is my hope, my future, my delight, my reward.  It isn't in my earthly circumstances.  This is marvelous.  God himself.  Just think of it.

I feel a shift in my heart.  I can be happy for my friends and admire what they have without feeling so terrible about my own life.  How? Because I know that while my life may not look so fabulous to others or even to me at times, I'm where I'm supposed to be.  And I know that when this is no longer where the right place for me, God will open a door to something different.  For better or worse, my hope is built on nothing less.

If you are viewing this post from Facebook, please be aware that I will not be able to see or respond to any comments unless you go to my blog and leave one there.  Please leave one!  I miss you people.  I'll be back on Facebook on April 24th, after Lent is over.  See explanation here. 

Waiting

• Waiting to see if I or Cousin Steph win the PW Weekend (we're taking each other if one of us wins)
  
• Waiting on Ellie to stop this bad little phase she's going through
• Waiting to stop this whole cry-at-the-crop-of-a-hat phase that I've been going through (I've always been sensitive, but COME ON)
  
• Waiting for February 6, when I get to celebrate my birthday and meet my fam in StL where we will shop and eat, and I will pass off things that need to go into storage before we move
  
• Waiting on God to show me how I can most effectively encourage and minister to other young women this semester
  
• Waiting on answers from graduate schools and law schools
• Waiting to see where we will be in just over six months
• Waiting on answers to long-term prayers for our family
  
• Waiting on God to give us our first child (I think it's going to be a while)
  
• Waiting to see where that child will come from (My womb? Someone else's? This week, I wondered about Haiti... we're wide open!)

I'm no good at waiting. I'm an only child, for Pete's sake!

It's particularly hard to wait when I see so many in need right now. I want to help them right now. I want to grab one of those babies and hold them and rock them and teach them about a mom and dad and a God who love them right now.

I'm trusting in God's sovereignty that now is not our time for babies. Those babies are out there, though. Maybe our babies are out there. So since I can't bring them home with me right now, I'll pray for them fiercely, and I'll wait.

5 (of many) Reasons Why Infertility is Painful

1. We feel that bearing children is our right, as opposed to something that is an undeserved gift.

2. We are prideful, carnal beings, and we want to perpetuate our own flesh.

3. We have misconceptions about parenthood, and think that it will bring us ultimate satisfaction. Truthfully, parenthood, while joyful, is difficult and requires constant sacrifice. True satisfaction is only found in relationship with God.

4. We always use the term "blessing" when talking about children, and that is true and good. It would be easy, however, to focus on this as the singular greatest blessing, and to think that if you could not bear children, you are not blessed by God.

5. We have misconceptions on God's view of childbirth. It would be easy to look at the Bible and perceive that many were "redeemed" by giving birth to children, usually a son. Truthfully, we are only redeemed by the blood of Christ.

Hello, Fall.

I don't know about you all, but I am super excited to see this summer go! It seems as though it was a particularly rough one, what with hearing some unfortunate news, and constantly missing my husband while he works very long days. Now, I feel as though we've turned a corner, like better days are on the way.

Of course, better days means busier days for me. This is good, though. It's good to be back in school. Good to have hobbies and activities that demand my attention. Good to have people encouraging me, and to have others to encourage.

Of course, nothing cheers you quite like a chunky baby booty. I'm thankful for getting to watch the three sweet children twice a week. They add much joy to my life.

Suspicions confirmed. We're infertile.

"You guys definitely have infertility." The words hit me upside the head. In my heart, I already knew it was true, but some part of me was still holding out hope that our timing had just been off... off for over two years.

My initial reaction was to giggle when the doctor left the room. It was wildly unfitting and inappropriate. I kept looking at Kyle and repeating the words, "We're infertile... hahaha... We're barren... hahaha." It wasn't until we left the office that the full emotional weight of the diagnosis hit me.

I've seen other doctors in the past who suspected this, but no one ever confirmed it with tests and a proper thorough look at all of my symptoms. According to my physician, I'm a "classic case" of Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Basically, my ovaries don't produce eggs as they should.

Now, it's not completely hopeless. There are medications and treatments we can try to increase our chances of conception. We're just very cautious about which treatments we are willing to use. Also, we're very confused about God's timing in all of this.

We still feel very strongly that we are both supposed to start graduate programs next year, but waiting to try and conceive is only going to hurt our chances. Older is not better when you're facing infertility. Do we keep trying and have babies while we're students? While not impossible, that would be very difficult. Do we put graduate school on hold until we've exhausted all our conception options? There's a chance that, even with treatment, it may never happen. We both want to adopt someday in the future, but we'd also like to try to make a baby.

We would highly covet your prayers through all of this. We know that Christ is sovereign over everything, even my malfunctioning ovaries.

Imagine the Potential

The potential of the unborn...