Say Whaaa? An update on making babies.

We're approaching the two-year anniversary of when we officially got the news we had infertility.  In some ways, not a lot has changed.  We still don't have children.  We still desire them.  We still love and trust Jesus (now even more than back then).

In some ways, lots of things have changed.  We live in a different state. We are both in graduate school.  We have been blessed to watch many (and what seems like most) of our friends have beautiful babies.  We've even seen some walk through the pain of losing their babies.  As I write this, I'm just finding out about my cousins who are losing their sweet newborn baby girl, Tilly Jo.  We've seen so much joy, and we've seen the depths of loss and grief.  We've lived.

Back in November I started seeing a specialist here in St. Louis, a reproductive endocrinologist, who sees a bajillion women with PCOS (that's Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome for you newbies) and other kinds of infertility and helps them get on the right track.  He read my history, and talked to me at length about my symptoms.  He was very interested and moderately puzzled.  He did not think I was the "classic case" of PCOS as my former doctor thought.

So we did more tests.  Lost of blood work.  Two of those nasty glucose tests.  To my surprise, they said I'm healthy.  They said it ISN'T PCOS.  Everything came back pretty normal, with the exception of very mild, sub-clinical (meaning - so mild they likely won't even treat it) hyperthyroidism.

The good news?  I'm pretty healthy.  The bad news?  We still have infertility; now it's just unexplained infertility.  There is now, apparently, no real explanation for why my cycle is so irregular and why we haven't been able to get pregnant.

So now I don't know what to do.  For now it seems we're just floating along, content to rest in the arms of Jesus, knowing that he is sovereign over all these things.  I mean that.  I really am fairly content (this week, anyway) and it is because I trust God.  I don't have any answers, except that I know we will be parents some day, and that I am still praying we will get to have biological children, as well as the adopted children we know God has for us.

It's hard to even ask for more prayer after all this time.  I can't even think of it when I look at my sweet cousins and think about little Tilly Jo who is going to be with Jesus soon.  Their loss makes my own pain feel trite, but it isn't.  God sees all of it.  Would you pray for them?

Thanks.

Right now my life looks like...

Inspired by a friend's recent list post, I decided that I, too, love writing and reading list posts, so I would write one.

So, right now my life...

• It looks like a mess of unfinished projects. I still have a handful of invitations I need to send out for an upcoming bridal shower for Keith and Loni; I have two large bookcases on the floor of my spare bedroom with a coat of primer that takes seven days (!) to fully harden; I have two cans of paint waiting to go on the walls of our spare bedroom; I have a kitchen table in desperate need of a fresh coat of paint after nearly five years of my abuse; I have a painting that I started months ago that I feel like I'll never finish. Basically paint, paint, and more paint.

• It looks like me going crazy trying to finish said projects before I start school again, and at the same time knowing that I probably won't and don't really need to rush.
• It looks like chasing after a very bad puppy who insists on eating every rug in the house and scratching up grout from between the tiles in the kitchen.
• It looks like a string of doctors visits and lab work as we're still trying to figure this fertility thing out.
• It looks like afternoon dates with friends to hang out while I have time.
• It looks like a hundred trips to Lowe's, Garden Ridge, and Target.
• It looks like eating dinner at home every night with my man, which is wonderful.
• It looks like naps and movie marathons.
• It looks like two people reading whatever the heck they want to read, which for me currently includes some Sci-Fi, and some non-fiction fertility books.
• It looks like a house ransacked by toddlers, just like Jenna, but I don't have any toddlers to blame or even my husband really.  The messes made are mine, and I've reached that point where I am uncomfortable and I feel like it will never look good again.
• It looks like early to bed, early to rise, which may be a first for me while I'm on break.
• It looks like wearing the same clothes three days in a row because who's gonna know?

This break has been oh-so-good, but part of me is excited to start school and just get these last two semesters of class over with so I can graduate already.

Engaged: Keith + Loni

This weekend, not only did I have the spectacular privilege of hanging out with my brother and soon-to-be sister, I also got to talk with them about all things wedding and marriage and even take their pictures.  We had a blast roaming around the city together.



Loni and I had our own little adventure on Friday while we drove around the greater St. Louis area like mad women dropping of resumes for her at a bajiliion dentist offices.

She's a hygienist, you know.  Can't you just tell?  Look at that beautiful smile!

We spent the rest of Friday afternoon and all of Saturday morning at Target and Bed, Bath, and Beyond working on her bridal registry.  Loni and Keith had already made a good start at it, but sometimes walking around with someone who's been married for a little while, who knows what you might need, is helpful.  It was fun to see what their tastes were and all the things they picked out!

When Keith arrived on Saturday, we spent the afternoon all over Tower Grove Park, Soulard, and Lafayette Square.  There were a few places I had been eyeing for the better part of a year thinking that they would make fabulous spots for photos.

We met Loni's sister, Lindy, and her hubs, Adam, for dinner at one of our favorite places, Square One Brewery.  They were in town celebrating their 5th anniversary, and I loved meeting them!

On Sunday, we had an all-day adventure just trying to get brunch somewhere! It was painful, but the crepe I had at the end of it was worth the whole grueling experience.  Sadly, shortly after we returned, Kyle started getting sick.  It could have been the food, or one of the many objects we found floating in our water glasses.  Let's just say that the restaurant we picked was probably not up to code for cleanliness.

Overall it was a fabulous weekend, and I was so sad when Keith and Loni had to leave.  Here's hoping that they'll find jobs here and live close by!

If you want to see all the pictures from the engagement shoot, and you're my friend on FB, you can see them here.

Summer break.

Life got a little busy in the last month, but I'm happy to say that it has settled back down again.  This is my summer vacation.  I have three weeks off before summer classes and clinic resume.  I am already enjoying this wonderful time and making plans for how I want to use my next few weeks.  I even started a list of all the little things I want to do using the "Tasks" function in my Google calendar.  I love that thing!

Anyway, some of my rough plans include:

• Not wearing makeup, even in public.  One of the beauties of living in a big city is that you can be anonymous.  Chances are, I won't see anyone I know, and if I do, they probably won't recognize me, ha!
• Finishing a couple paintings that have been in queue for months now.
• Run, run, run.  My first 5K is right around the corner.  I don't think I'll be able to run the whole thing.  Right now, I can't run two full miles, and I'm supposed to be able run 3.1 in less than a month! BUT, I will try.  I will finish it, even if I have to stop and walk.  My only wish would be that Kyle could run it with me to keep me moving, but he still can't run because of his knee.  
• Cooking.  I miss cooking for my man.  I haven't cooked much at all in the last year beyond throwing something frozen in the oven.  I used to cook all the time.  I miss the satisfaction that comes from feeding my little family.
• Catching up with friends.
• Finishing many little household jobs, like mending a couple shirts for Kyle, cleaning out our office, getting the apartment manager to come fix a couple things, etc.
• Getting a tan.  Well, not much of one, but a just a little sun won't hurt, right?
• Taking pictures. I'm doing some engagement pictures for Kyle's youngest brother, Keith, and his lovely bride-to-be.  I also just want to point my camera at everything because my poor little Canon just hasn't seen much action lately.  My Flickr photostream has been inundated with Instagram pics lately, though, like this one of my mom's dog, Starbuck, and me.  He's my bebe brudder.

I'm sure I'll find many more projects to do along the way.  I've been working on the invitations for my soon-to-be second sister-in-law's bridal shower we're having down in Anna with the Bass family.  I love doing things like that!