Long days

In high school I used to wake up around 6:30am, shower, do my hair and makeup, and often would have to be at school by 7:30 for jazz band practice or some other club meeting.  I would then go to class until 3pm, followed by either some kind of sports practice or going to work.  Then I would rush home (or to Subway), grab a bite to eat, and go back to the school for play practice where I would stay until 9 or 10pm.  After that I would go home, do homework, go to bed, and then get up and do it all over again. 

I never thought a thing about it.  I never felt fatigued or overworked.  I loved all my extra-curricular activities and I didn't dread school.  I didn't complain about going to work or practicing sports.  I just did it, mostly with joy.

Somewhere between then and now, something has changed.  I don't know if it's laziness, old age, or a change in responsibilities, but now I feel so tired and emotionally drained at the end of every day.  I get up later, get home earlier, and have way fewer extra things happening outside of school.  Why do I feel so much more tired?   Why do I feel so much more pressure and get so depressed about my life?

Perhaps then I didn't know any better.  By that, I mean, perhaps I was so busy and put my nose to the grindstone so much that I didn't have time to feel tired or defeated.  Sure, I still had bad days back then, lots of them... but looking back I can't ever remember feeling the way I do now at the end of the day.  I can't remember crying over all the stress or shutting down and doing nothing because I was just too overwhelmed.  

Maybe it's because I bear more scars now than I did back then.  Life happens, and inevitably you go through hard things.  I went through hard things then, too, with friends, family, and boyfriends, but now I feel as though things are so much heavier.  This is sad because the truth is that my burden is light because of Jesus.  I know that he is my redeemer and that I move forward in life because he made me his own.  I know this, and still I feel so weary. 

Maybe it's because I'm an adult and married and have to be responsible for so many things at home that I didn't before.  Maybe it's because school now includes more than just classes, but giving therapy to people who have a real need and will be impacted forever by how I help (or don't help) them.  Maybe it's just because I'm a graduate student and I won't feel this way so much when I'm finally out in the working world.  Maybe it's because I've lost sight of who I am in the sight of God and I don't live in a way that reflects my joy in knowing him.

I wish I had an answer for why things seem so much more difficult now.  Don't get me wrong; I still do fun things, and have friendships, and am madly in love with my hubs, but I'm praying that I can fight fatigue, laziness and anxiety, and press on with peace, joy, and confidence that God has called me to this specific place for a reason.  I want so badly to find joy in it because of that.  

I'd really like to know, am I the only one that feels this way?  Surely not.  Kyle and I talked about it and I know he's in the same boat as I am.  We both feel far more worn-down than people only in their mid-20s ought to be.  When you look back on younger days, do you wonder what happened, or are you still the same person you always were?