Hospital Bag

The pregnancy app on my phone has been telling me for two weeks that I should have a hospital bag packed, but I still haven't done it. I keep reading blog posts like this one where people share what they packed, and then I get super anxious about how disorganized I am.

Honestly, I don't get this whole packing-a-hospital-bag-a-month-in-advance thing. First of all, I still need to use all this stuff and I'm not about to buy duplicates of everything just so it can sit in a bag. Second of all, I don't anticipate needing to rush out the door so suddenly that we won't have time to gather these necessities while I am in early labor.  Third, I am annoyed at the idea of a bag just sitting around my house for who knows how long.  I think it will get in the way and just make me more anxious.

Is it really necessary? Tell me why, because I really don't buy it.

Counting Down and Facing Fears

We are just 48 days from Margot's "due date." Watching this number get smaller and smaller continues to bring out some pretty serious anxiety in me. Everything about our life is about to change forever. We've been through changing seasons of life before, but none so permanent, none so seemingly radical.

I think my biggest fear is how it will affect our marriage. Although we are completely excited to be growing our family, we have been a family of two for so long that it seems crazy to be adding another person. We have been blessed with an unbelievably strong and happy marriage. Kyle is truly my best friend, and I have a very hard time sharing him. Work, law school, and many other things take his time, and I am so jealous of his time. Now I have to share him with another person? This is going to be weird, and hard.

People keep telling me it won't be so hard, after all. They tell me that we'll be so in love with Margot we won't think about it, and that watching Kyle be her daddy will make me more in love with him. Well, I have no doubt about that. I have already witnessed the way he has cared for me and shown so much excitement over her, that it makes me crazy with love for him. I'm just selfishly wondering how I'm going to deal with having less time for just the two of us. Maybe it's because I'm an only child. Maybe it's because 9 years together without kids is too long and I've become really selfish. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous.

One thing I am sure of is that MJ will be so lucky to grow up in a home where her daddy and mommy love each other so much. This is something that many kids (self included) can't really understand. This isn't to say that our marriage is perfect or that we'll be perfect parents, but I have to think that growing up in a household with happy parents who love each other sacrificially and show that love openly would be a pretty great thing. At least, that's my hope.

We so desperately want to show her the love of Jesus in our marriage, in the way we love each other and her, and in the way we serve each other and our community as a family. All the other fears seem insignificant in light of this.

There's no stopping this train, ready or not. We're praying God will miraculously equip us to accomplish his will and purpose for our family, and that there will be no loss of love and joy.