On those first few days back at my internship, I felt like a zombie. My body was there, but my mind and heart were back on the farm with my man, my pops, and my pup.
Thankfully, I ran into all three of the people I know at Children's that week, (Jordyn, Samantha, and Heather). Just seeing their faces, and even getting to catch a couple lunches with Miss Jordyn made me feel so much better. As the days go on, it gets a little easier for me there and at home.
We celebrated Kyle's birthday, but it was a rather pitiful celebration by my birthday standards. This is the first year I can remember where I did a horrible job of making the day special for him. I didn't even write a blog post about it! Honestly, I spent much of the day in tears because I did NOT want to be here. By the weekend, however, I was able to pull it together and (I think) make up for a bit of the downer birthday. Part of this was making a big dinner on Easter Sunday, including salad with romaine lettuce from my garden! I was pretty proud of that, and (I think) Kyle was, too.
Speaking of my garden, I have been spending a lot of time out there since we got home. I am not sure if it was 10 days on the farm or just the general change in weather, but I got super motivated to clean out flower beds, plant more vegetables and flowers, and be outside as much as possible. There is something seemingly healing about it to me. There is a peace about it. There is a simple assurance about it... about watching things grow, and about seeing the rewards of hard, dirty labor. There is no other voice, nothing pulling me away from simply crying out to the Lord. Well, nothing but an occasionally anxious, fussy puppy who wants to be tied up closer to where I'm working.
There are about 50 other things that I NEED to be doing. Things like keeping track of my internship hours, doing laundry, editing photos for friends, etc. So many things that should be done, things that nag at me and make me feel horribly guilty for not doing them, and yet I'm finding it impossible to get them done. *Sigh* My dear friend, Aileen, told me to be easy on myself, so maybe that's what I'm doing. The bad part is that all those things aren't going away and are most likely going to come back and bite me very soon. Oh, well. Tomorrow is another day.
1 comment:
Wow, Chelsea, I can really relate to the season you're in right now. In a completely different way, of course. My loss has been more a loss of expectations, hopes, and dreams (rather than a loved one), but the grief follows me just the same.
I see the dishes heaping in the sink and the laundry piled high and just feel overwhelmed by all there is to do and my lack of motivation to do it. Distractions are wonderfully welcomed, but then reminders of my loss hit me hard when I least expect them.
Praying that God uses our seasons of grieving to draw us closer to Himself.
Looking forward to our lunch date this week. :)
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