As many of you already know, my stepmom, Diane, has been battling lung cancer for quite some time. Although we have known for a while, I don't think anything could have prepared us for the challenge of these last days.
On Thursday morning the hospice nurse told my dad that she thought Diane would not make it through the day. Kyle and I booked it up to Greenview as fast as we could, and we arrived in what we thought was just the nick of time. When we walked in, the pastor along with our family was praying over her, asking the Lord to guide her home in peace. When the prayer was over, everything got very still and we all thought she was gone or almost gone. Soon, however, she became restless and began a long night of groaning, gasping, and laboring to breathe and stay comfortable.
Seeing her struggle so much is painful for everyone. My dad has barely left her side. I do not know how the man has a teardrop left in him, but somehow they just keep flowing.
We were up intermittently with her through the night trying to keep her comfortable and help her rest. We finally got her to be still, and she has been heavily sedated all day. Right now, we all agree that she is in some kind of semi-coma. We can't rouse her to take meds, get a drink, or do anything. She's been sitting in the same position, slumped over her bedside table, for over two days straight. We didn't hear her say a word today. We all keep thinking, "Any time now..." And still, she breathes.
It is awful to see her body struggle, to see her suffering and groaning. One of my many prayers today was that she would love Jesus more, and know him better in her suffering. Jesus suffered the most brutal and unfair murder and death of all time, a blameless man, a gruesome death. I pray that as she suffers, in whatever state her mind is in, somehow she would be able to love Jesus more because of the price he paid on our behalf, the price that we all deserve.
I have never physically suffered the way that Diane is. I have never seen anyone physically suffer the way that she is. I pray I never have to see this again, but I am so proud to say that she has lived out Philippians 1, she has been humble, thankful, and compliant. She doesn't complain. She murmurs a thank you (or a moan that we know means thank you) to anyone who washes her, rubs her back, or puts a little water on her tongue. She reminded me of this old Mark Driscoll quote (that I will now butcher) "When you bump a cup full of bitter water, bitter water pours out of it. When you bump a cup of sweet water, sweet water pours out of it." There is no bitterness in this woman. No matter how much she suffers, God has filled her with sweet, sweet water, and no amount of hardship will make her pour out bitterness.
I am incredibly and especially grateful for three of my amazing, all-star aunts and my grandparents, who keep bringing everyone food, providing laughter, and just generally being awesome at loving us. Each of them is a gift and breath of fresh air. I did not want any of them to leave tonight, and even got a little teary, because they just make everyone feel so much better in this house.
There are just so many things I am trying to process, and my mind is clouded and confused with a haze of joy and sorrow. I became increasingly anxious throughout the day today. To distract myself, I decided I needed to make a slideshow for Diane. I think I drove everyone else crazy in my quest to get it done, but I felt like it was the only thing I could do to be helpful and do something meaningful. I have scoured the house, my computer, and my dad's computer for every picture I could find that would paint a picture of who Diane is and what she means to all of us. I will likely collect more up until the time of her visitation, but in the meantime I thought I'd share some photos here.
We are all still grateful for your love and prayers. I have been really bad about responding to all the texts, emails, and Facebook messages, but I have read every one, and even shared some with my dad. They are so, so awesome. Thank you all for loving on us from afar. It is more than we deserve!
1/19/12
So proud of BKB
This is my handsome stud of a man. He is two weeks into what is/will be the hardest semester of his law school career, taking six classes including Moot Court (if you don't know what this is, just be impressed). He is handling it like a total champ.
He gets up at 5-6am each day to do an insanely hard workout (P90X). Then he spends time reading his Bible, packing a lunch, and getting ready for the day. He loads up his bag with 35lbs worth of law books and heads off to class. Some days he is on campus from 9am-8pm, other days he drives up to Alton, IL to go to work when classes are done. Most nights he gets home around 6-7, eats dinner, talks to me, and plays with Watson. Usually around 8pm, he heads back to the office and hits the books until around midnight. He gets up the next morning and does it all over again. He spends his weekends getting ahead on more classwork, loving on his wife and puppy, and worshiping Jesus in our gospel community and with our church.
I am insanely proud of him, unspeakably grateful for him, and unbelievably in love with him. I just want the world to know the kind of hard-working, Jesus-loving man he is. It is so sweet to be loved by such a man.
He gets up at 5-6am each day to do an insanely hard workout (P90X). Then he spends time reading his Bible, packing a lunch, and getting ready for the day. He loads up his bag with 35lbs worth of law books and heads off to class. Some days he is on campus from 9am-8pm, other days he drives up to Alton, IL to go to work when classes are done. Most nights he gets home around 6-7, eats dinner, talks to me, and plays with Watson. Usually around 8pm, he heads back to the office and hits the books until around midnight. He gets up the next morning and does it all over again. He spends his weekends getting ahead on more classwork, loving on his wife and puppy, and worshiping Jesus in our gospel community and with our church.
I am insanely proud of him, unspeakably grateful for him, and unbelievably in love with him. I just want the world to know the kind of hard-working, Jesus-loving man he is. It is so sweet to be loved by such a man.
1/17/12
T.H.I.N.K.
Today was my first day of my internship at a primary school. I had a great first day, and was intrigued by something on the wall of the speech therapy room. It read,
I absolutely loved this poster and could learn a great deal from it. Gossip is a particular struggle I have at times, and working in an environment where most of my peers are beautiful, brilliant (and often child-bearing) women means that there's also jealousy, which means that snarky things fly out of my mouth, followed by pangs of guilt.
This weekend, one of our pastor's preached a message on godly womanhood. I was so challenged, and today's little poster drove it home. I am so sorry for some of the things I've said and thoughts I've had that were either untrue, unhelpful, uninspiring, unnecessary, or unkind. I am sorry to those who've heard me say such things, because that was the opposite of showing the love of Christ, and does not make him look glorious, but he is. He is infinitely worthy of glory and honor, and able to give me the power to tame my tongue and remove bitterness and jealousy from my heart.
I'm sure we all struggle with gossip, bitterness, and jealousy at different points in our lives. The season I am in seems to be filled with loads of all three. I am so thankful for God's grace to me now, and I am thankful to be surrounded by men and women who challenge me to be more like Jesus.
THINK before you speak....
T: Is it true?
H: Is it helpful?
I: Is it inspiring?
N: Is it necessary?
K: Is it kind?
I absolutely loved this poster and could learn a great deal from it. Gossip is a particular struggle I have at times, and working in an environment where most of my peers are beautiful, brilliant (and often child-bearing) women means that there's also jealousy, which means that snarky things fly out of my mouth, followed by pangs of guilt.
This weekend, one of our pastor's preached a message on godly womanhood. I was so challenged, and today's little poster drove it home. I am so sorry for some of the things I've said and thoughts I've had that were either untrue, unhelpful, uninspiring, unnecessary, or unkind. I am sorry to those who've heard me say such things, because that was the opposite of showing the love of Christ, and does not make him look glorious, but he is. He is infinitely worthy of glory and honor, and able to give me the power to tame my tongue and remove bitterness and jealousy from my heart.
I'm sure we all struggle with gossip, bitterness, and jealousy at different points in our lives. The season I am in seems to be filled with loads of all three. I am so thankful for God's grace to me now, and I am thankful to be surrounded by men and women who challenge me to be more like Jesus.
12/23/11
Scenes from a Christmas House
I wish all our family could come to our house over Christmas, but the busyness of this time of year always seems to catch up with us. I wish they could all see how we've incorporated decorations and ornaments that have been handed down to us on both sides from our grandmothers and great grandmothers. I wish they could feel "the glow" we feel in our home this time of year. Instead I decided to take some pictures so I could show them our cozy flat from afar. Hope you enjoy the tour!
12/19/11
Oh, hi there.
What a crazy couple months this has been for us! Kyle and I just wrapped up yet another semester of classes. He is now half way through law school, and I am done with my graduate couse work! All I have left is a couple big exams (one in January, one in March), completing my internships next semester (one at an elementary school and one at St. Louis Children's hospital) and I am DONE. I am amazed at God's grace sustaining us through the last (almost) two years. There were many unknown factors and risks when we followed the Lord's guidance to come here, but he has made our paths straight.
(SLU Speech-Language Pathology, Class of 2012)
I wish we had any other big news to report other than the busy-ness of life. For those who have been inquiring/praying for my stepmom, we still thank you! As of this morning, dad said she's hanging in there, working through the pain. She is done with chemo, done with everything, trying to make the best of whatever is left. She has had to cut back to working part-time, which has been very hard. Diane loves her job and takes so much pride in her work. She's always had a deep commitment to the bank where she is a Senior Vice President. They have shown her incredible kindness and made it clear that her years of hard work would not go unnoticed. We are grateful for that. She will keep working as much and as often as she can.
There is an uncertainty about the whole situation, however, that makes the holidays a bit bleak. My dad and Diane LOVE Christmas and typically go all out. Dad told me this morning they haven't bought a single present because they've been trying to spend every moment together. What could anyone say to that? How do you face the holidays, knowing it's the last with someone you love so dearly? Shrug.
(Thanksgiving 2011)
A number of other health issues popped up over the last couple months in my family, including my stepdad getting an abscess colon which is incredibly dangerous and life-threatening. Our family has been in relatively good health for a long time with no major issues, so I suppose we were just "due."
In the midst of all this, Kyle and I are still trying for a baby, which is gut-wrenching. All the drugs, the books, the blogs, the talking to other couples with infertility - none of it can really predict how you will feel when you go through it and still see negative after negative. Some days I am able to trust in perfect peace, and be content that God's timing is perfect and some day we'll see all of this clearly, other days I am a haze of emotions from bitterness to jealousy to deep sorrow.
I can honestly say, however, that because of all of this (NOT in spite of all of this) I have gained a deeper love for Jesus, and a deeper love for my husband and family. I am continually amazed at God's kindness to me in these hard times, and the way it continues to shape my soul.
I am so often reminded of my sin, how prone I am to jealousy and gossip, to resentment and hopelessness, but he continues to remind me that my hope is not in the things of this world, my hope is in Christ alone. He surrounds me with people who remind me of this. He shows me that lasting joy is not found in anything here. At some point all the people we love will pass away, all the dreams we have about our lives will mean nothing, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
(Psalm 73:26 ESV)
(August Gate's new location)
The next few weeks will be spent relaxing as much as possible, reading books, being crafty, and spending time with friends and family. Kyle and I have are so happy and so deeply in love with each other. I say that only out of gratefulness. So many are torn apart by hard times, but Jesus has pushed our hearts closer together. We are so excited to be home together (when not working) over the holidays. We are truly trying to count our blessings instead of sheep. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas filled with love and peace.
(SLU Speech-Language Pathology, Class of 2012)
I wish we had any other big news to report other than the busy-ness of life. For those who have been inquiring/praying for my stepmom, we still thank you! As of this morning, dad said she's hanging in there, working through the pain. She is done with chemo, done with everything, trying to make the best of whatever is left. She has had to cut back to working part-time, which has been very hard. Diane loves her job and takes so much pride in her work. She's always had a deep commitment to the bank where she is a Senior Vice President. They have shown her incredible kindness and made it clear that her years of hard work would not go unnoticed. We are grateful for that. She will keep working as much and as often as she can.
There is an uncertainty about the whole situation, however, that makes the holidays a bit bleak. My dad and Diane LOVE Christmas and typically go all out. Dad told me this morning they haven't bought a single present because they've been trying to spend every moment together. What could anyone say to that? How do you face the holidays, knowing it's the last with someone you love so dearly? Shrug.
(Thanksgiving 2011)
A number of other health issues popped up over the last couple months in my family, including my stepdad getting an abscess colon which is incredibly dangerous and life-threatening. Our family has been in relatively good health for a long time with no major issues, so I suppose we were just "due."
In the midst of all this, Kyle and I are still trying for a baby, which is gut-wrenching. All the drugs, the books, the blogs, the talking to other couples with infertility - none of it can really predict how you will feel when you go through it and still see negative after negative. Some days I am able to trust in perfect peace, and be content that God's timing is perfect and some day we'll see all of this clearly, other days I am a haze of emotions from bitterness to jealousy to deep sorrow.
I can honestly say, however, that because of all of this (NOT in spite of all of this) I have gained a deeper love for Jesus, and a deeper love for my husband and family. I am continually amazed at God's kindness to me in these hard times, and the way it continues to shape my soul.
I am so often reminded of my sin, how prone I am to jealousy and gossip, to resentment and hopelessness, but he continues to remind me that my hope is not in the things of this world, my hope is in Christ alone. He surrounds me with people who remind me of this. He shows me that lasting joy is not found in anything here. At some point all the people we love will pass away, all the dreams we have about our lives will mean nothing, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
(Psalm 73:26 ESV)
(August Gate's new location)
The next few weeks will be spent relaxing as much as possible, reading books, being crafty, and spending time with friends and family. Kyle and I have are so happy and so deeply in love with each other. I say that only out of gratefulness. So many are torn apart by hard times, but Jesus has pushed our hearts closer together. We are so excited to be home together (when not working) over the holidays. We are truly trying to count our blessings instead of sheep. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas filled with love and peace.
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