As Kyle held me and kissed me goodbye to leave for Jefferson City, MO to take the Bar exam, he expressed his love and gratitude for my support, helping him through law school, etc. I had to fight back tears, not because I was sad he was leaving for two days, but because I thought of just how faithful God has been to us in our marriage.
It has been almost seven years since we entered into this covenant. When we made our vows and walked down the aisle as one flesh to face the world, our futures were so unknown. Some people have big dreams and a vision for their lives. My only dreams involved Kyle, and what I hoped would be our future children. Truthfully, I didn't really care much about where we lived or what we did, he was my only dream. To this day, that is still the truth.
Sure, I have more clear ideas about our future now. I have more specific dreams about where we'll live and what we'll do, but ultimately, Kyle is still my dream. No matter where the Lord takes us, or what challenges we face, Kyle is still the one I want there by my side as we face them together.
We're once again heading into uncharted waters in our marriage. The last several years have been heading for this moment, getting through the Bar exam. We haven't really made many plans for what comes next.
Right now, all I can do is reflect on the last few years and think of how good God has been. How gracious. How faithful. Not just in our circumstances, but in our minds and hearts. We feel blessed that He sustained us through so many trials, and feel so much more confident that He will continue to do so.
It is good to worship an unchanging God in our very changeable lives. He holds us together as one. He increases our love day after day, year after year.
As Kyle goes to face what may be two of the most mentally and emotionally grueling days of his life thus far, two lines from an old hymn come to mind.
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, blessings all mine with ten thousand bedside... All I hath needed, Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!
I love you, Kyle Bass! God is faithful. He made you and He sustains you. He will keep you in these next two days and forever. You are covered in love and prayer.
That's how many days I spent on our family farm with my dad and other family members, caring for Diane, caring for each other, grieving her loss, and trying to look ahead to how our lives are forever changed. I've learned so much in the last ten days about Jesus, suffering, sacrificial love, death, and restoration.
Death isn't the way it looks in the movies. Dying from lung cancer isn't, anyway. It was struggle. It was labor. It was groaning. It was holding her up, wiping her mucus and blood, cleaning her drool, kneeling in her urine-soaked sheets, shooting meds down her throat, trying to keep her cool from all the sweat the morphine caused, keeping her calm and breathing as steadily as possible, watching her gasp for air, watching her breathing slowly fade away, seeing her go pale, and feeling her go cold. There is no dignity in death, but there was dignity in the way she was loved, held, cleaned, and cared for. I believe that what my dad did for days and weeks on end honored God and gave me the clearest earthly picture I've ever seen on what it means to truly love someone sacrificially and selflessly.
It seemed that God began to refresh and restore our hearts before Diane was even gone. The simplest of gifts were not taken for granted, and this refreshing came in many forms. It was a gentle breeze that blew threw the bedroom as we sweat and strained to hold her up. It was words of encouragement from family and friends. It was someone just sitting with us, holding her hand, rubbing our backs, sharing our tears. There was so much food, love, and even laughter amidst all the pain. The worse she became, the more beautiful it seemed to get outside. Then she was gone and it seemed that over night the world was completely green, the flowers were blooming, and the sweetest, most fragrant lilacs (her favorite and mine) were blowing through the house. People spoke beautiful words about her and hugged our necks, and then when all the struggle was done and the people were gone, we were faced with that dreaded question, "Now what?"
I felt an abrupt shift, and I'm certain my dad felt it more. He had been taking care of Diane around the clock for so long, living in the chaos that is end-stage cancer, that when everything got quiet, we felt restless. The oxygen machines and bustle of family coming and going was replaced with the quiet lull that is country living, birds singing, woodpeckers pecking, owls hooting, coyotes howling, porch swings creaking... Those are the sounds that make the farm wonderful, and some of the many things Diane always loved about home, but now they seemed a little strange. We did all we could to keep ourselves occupied. We even went out the next day and got my dad a new iPhone (which he is LOVING, by the way).
The restoration process has certainly only just begun, but God has given us so many beautiful and meaningful demonstrations of his goodness to us during this time, not the least of which is the gift of each other (and now, FaceTime). I am confident that, though we may never quite be the same, He has shaped us for his glory, and we have gained much more of Him in our struggle. I pray that as we continue to experience the pain of change, that we would be able to more fully say, "Jesus is all we need."
I have been dwelling in Philippians over the last ten days, and this passage is my greatest joy right now:
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
As many of you already know, my stepmom, Diane, has been battling lung cancer for quite some time. Although we have known for a while, I don't think anything could have prepared us for the challenge of these last days.
On Thursday morning the hospice nurse told my dad that she thought Diane would not make it through the day. Kyle and I booked it up to Greenview as fast as we could, and we arrived in what we thought was just the nick of time. When we walked in, the pastor along with our family was praying over her, asking the Lord to guide her home in peace. When the prayer was over, everything got very still and we all thought she was gone or almost gone. Soon, however, she became restless and began a long night of groaning, gasping, and laboring to breathe and stay comfortable.
Seeing her struggle so much is painful for everyone. My dad has barely left her side. I do not know how the man has a teardrop left in him, but somehow they just keep flowing.
We were up intermittently with her through the night trying to keep her comfortable and help her rest. We finally got her to be still, and she has been heavily sedated all day. Right now, we all agree that she is in some kind of semi-coma. We can't rouse her to take meds, get a drink, or do anything. She's been sitting in the same position, slumped over her bedside table, for over two days straight. We didn't hear her say a word today. We all keep thinking, "Any time now..." And still, she breathes.
It is awful to see her body struggle, to see her suffering and groaning. One of my many prayers today was that she would love Jesus more, and know him better in her suffering. Jesus suffered the most brutal and unfair murder and death of all time, a blameless man, a gruesome death. I pray that as she suffers, in whatever state her mind is in, somehow she would be able to love Jesus more because of the price he paid on our behalf, the price that we all deserve.
I have never physically suffered the way that Diane is. I have never seen anyone physically suffer the way that she is. I pray I never have to see this again, but I am so proud to say that she has lived out Philippians 1, she has been humble, thankful, and compliant. She doesn't complain. She murmurs a thank you (or a moan that we know means thank you) to anyone who washes her, rubs her back, or puts a little water on her tongue. She reminded me of this old Mark Driscoll quote (that I will now butcher) "When you bump a cup full of bitter water, bitter water pours out of it. When you bump a cup of sweet water, sweet water pours out of it." There is no bitterness in this woman. No matter how much she suffers, God has filled her with sweet, sweet water, and no amount of hardship will make her pour out bitterness.
I am incredibly and especially grateful for three of my amazing, all-star aunts and my grandparents, who keep bringing everyone food, providing laughter, and just generally being awesome at loving us. Each of them is a gift and breath of fresh air. I did not want any of them to leave tonight, and even got a little teary, because they just make everyone feel so much better in this house.
There are just so many things I am trying to process, and my mind is clouded and confused with a haze of joy and sorrow. I became increasingly anxious throughout the day today. To distract myself, I decided I needed to make a slideshow for Diane. I think I drove everyone else crazy in my quest to get it done, but I felt like it was the only thing I could do to be helpful and do something meaningful. I have scoured the house, my computer, and my dad's computer for every picture I could find that would paint a picture of who Diane is and what she means to all of us. I will likely collect more up until the time of her visitation, but in the meantime I thought I'd share some photos here.
We are all still grateful for your love and prayers. I have been really bad about responding to all the texts, emails, and Facebook messages, but I have read every one, and even shared some with my dad. They are so, so awesome. Thank you all for loving on us from afar. It is more than we deserve!
Today was my first day of my internship at a primary school. I had a great first day, and was intrigued by something on the wall of the speech therapy room. It read,
THINK before you speak....
T: Is it true?
H: Is it helpful?
I: Is it inspiring?
N: Is it necessary?
K: Is it kind?
I absolutely loved this poster and could learn a great deal from it. Gossip is a particular struggle I have at times, and working in an environment where most of my peers are beautiful, brilliant (and often child-bearing) women means that there's also jealousy, which means that snarky things fly out of my mouth, followed by pangs of guilt.
This weekend, one of our pastor's preached a message on godly womanhood. I was so challenged, and today's little poster drove it home. I am so sorry for some of the things I've said and thoughts I've had that were either untrue, unhelpful, uninspiring, unnecessary, or unkind. I am sorry to those who've heard me say such things, because that was the opposite of showing the love of Christ, and does not make him look glorious, but he is. He is infinitely worthy of glory and honor, and able to give me the power to tame my tongue and remove bitterness and jealousy from my heart.
I'm sure we all struggle with gossip, bitterness, and jealousy at different points in our lives. The season I am in seems to be filled with loads of all three. I am so thankful for God's grace to me now, and I am thankful to be surrounded by men and women who challenge me to be more like Jesus.
What a crazy couple months this has been for us! Kyle and I just wrapped up yet another semester of classes. He is now half way through law school, and I am done with my graduate couse work! All I have left is a couple big exams (one in January, one in March), completing my internships next semester (one at an elementary school and one at St. Louis Children's hospital) and I am DONE. I am amazed at God's grace sustaining us through the last (almost) two years. There were many unknown factors and risks when we followed the Lord's guidance to come here, but he has made our paths straight.
(SLU Speech-Language Pathology, Class of 2012)
I wish we had any other big news to report other than the busy-ness of life. For those who have been inquiring/praying for my stepmom, we still thank you! As of this morning, dad said she's hanging in there, working through the pain. She is done with chemo, done with everything, trying to make the best of whatever is left. She has had to cut back to working part-time, which has been very hard. Diane loves her job and takes so much pride in her work. She's always had a deep commitment to the bank where she is a Senior Vice President. They have shown her incredible kindness and made it clear that her years of hard work would not go unnoticed. We are grateful for that. She will keep working as much and as often as she can.
There is an uncertainty about the whole situation, however, that makes the holidays a bit bleak. My dad and Diane LOVE Christmas and typically go all out. Dad told me this morning they haven't bought a single present because they've been trying to spend every moment together. What could anyone say to that? How do you face the holidays, knowing it's the last with someone you love so dearly? Shrug.
(Thanksgiving 2011)
A number of other health issues popped up over the last couple months in my family, including my stepdad getting an abscess colon which is incredibly dangerous and life-threatening. Our family has been in relatively good health for a long time with no major issues, so I suppose we were just "due."
In the midst of all this, Kyle and I are still trying for a baby, which is gut-wrenching. All the drugs, the books, the blogs, the talking to other couples with infertility - none of it can really predict how you will feel when you go through it and still see negative after negative. Some days I am able to trust in perfect peace, and be content that God's timing is perfect and some day we'll see all of this clearly, other days I am a haze of emotions from bitterness to jealousy to deep sorrow.
I can honestly say, however, that because of all of this (NOT in spite of all of this) I have gained a deeper love for Jesus, and a deeper love for my husband and family. I am continually amazed at God's kindness to me in these hard times, and the way it continues to shape my soul.
I am so often reminded of my sin, how prone I am to jealousy and gossip, to resentment and hopelessness, but he continues to remind me that my hope is not in the things of this world, my hope is in Christ alone. He surrounds me with people who remind me of this. He shows me that lasting joy is not found in anything here. At some point all the people we love will pass away, all the dreams we have about our lives will mean nothing, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
(Psalm 73:26 ESV)
The next few weeks will be spent relaxing as much as possible, reading books, being crafty, and spending time with friends and family. Kyle and I have are so happy and so deeply in love with each other. I say that only out of gratefulness. So many are torn apart by hard times, but Jesus has pushed our hearts closer together. We are so excited to be home together (when not working) over the holidays. We are truly trying to count our blessings instead of sheep. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas filled with love and peace.
I am at an age in life where it seems as though every day some friend somewhere is making some exciting announcement about his or her life. I'm going to backpack across Europe! I'm engaged! I'm pregnant! I'm moving to (insert glamorous place) to (insert glamorous job)! I'm awesome at my life and marriage and career and reproduction!
These are all wonderful things. After a while, though, one starts to hear these things and feel really insecure about her own life. It starts to feel small, drudgerous, and flailing. That is, at least, if you're anything like me, which I suspect many of you are.
It isn't that you aren't happy for your friends and their beautiful homes, budding careers, shiny cars, flat stomachs, and fertile wombs. It isn't even that you feel you deserve it any more than they do. You know that we're all completely and equally undeserving of such wonderful blessings. So what is the problem? Why does it hurt? Why does this happy news make you feel so unhappy?
In my life, I can usually answer this by simply stating "I'm just not content with where God has called me." I feel like my plans and my desires are better. On paper, it sure seems that way. Who wouldn't want a real job and an income instead of accruing sickening amounts of debt in grad school? Who wouldn't want to have the opportunity to own a home instead of paying ridiculous rent for a crummy apartment for 5 years? Who wouldn't want a naturally lean body instead of having to work out or count dumb old points? Who wouldn't want ovaries that work instead of a bunch of little cysts that give you facial hair?
Well, I guess I now have to raise my hand and say, "I wouldn't." For the first time in a long time (maybe ever), I am beginning to look at all aspects of my life and see them in a much different light. I am reaching a point where I can confidently say that I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I know there is a greater purpose in everything. It sounds so cliche, but it's true. I know it. I feel it. God's word affirms it.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Don't misunderstand this verse. God isn't telling Israel that it's going to be a bed of roses. In fact, they're about to face 70 years of exile from their homes. They're going to serve an earthly Babylonian king who is corrupt. They're going to face famine and disease. So what is their future hope? It is the same hope God gave to Abraham over 1000 years before:
The word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision: "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward. (Genesis 15:1)
The Lord himself is my hope, my future, my delight, my reward. It isn't in my earthly circumstances. This is marvelous. God himself. Just think of it.
I feel a shift in my heart. I can be happy for my friends and admire what they have without feeling so terrible about my own life. How? Because I know that while my life may not look so fabulous to others or even to me at times, I'm where I'm supposed to be. And I know that when this is no longer where the right place for me, God will open a door to something different. For better or worse, my hope is built on nothing less.
If you are viewing this post from Facebook, please be aware that I will not be able to see or respond to any comments unless you go to my blog and leave one there. Please leave one! I miss you people. I'll be back on Facebook on April 24th, after Lent is over. See explanation here.
Happy Mardi Gras! Get all fatty today and celebrate. I'm not celebrating just because it's Fat Tuesday, but I'm celebrating because I am looking forward to the next 40 days that we call Lent and the coming celebration of Christ's death and resurrection.
What is Lent? Many people who celebrate it or use it to "give something up," don't really even know why, and many people who don't celebrate it think it's a silly ritual. When I was very young, I thought it was just about giving up something you like to earn brownie points with God. As I was going through catechism, my pastor explained that it was about using these 40 days to reflect on what Christ has done for us, laying his life down for our sins so that we can know God eternally.
Many people add in special times of reading, reflection, and prayer leading up to Christmas, when we celebrate the birth of Jesus. How much more then should we celebrate in the time leading up to Resurrection Day, when Jesus said, "Finished!" When the blood of Christ was accepted as a substitutionary sacrifice, a propitiation, for all our sins for all time. Hallelujah, He is risen!
As we reflect on the things above and prepare our hearts for Easter, the resurrection day, sometimes we give up things up that might distract us. Sometimes we give up things we love because so we can be reminded to depend on God as our greatest source of joy on this Earth. Some people don't give anything up per say, but add in more time reading their Bibles or praying.
A few days ago, I felt that maybe I was supposed to give up Facebook for Lent. No, God, you surely wouldn't want me to do that, right? The more I think about it, the more certain I feel that I am supposed to, no matter how tough it will be. I don't even know if I have the self-discipline to do it, but I will depend on God for that too.
Some people might think I'm ridiculous. It might be true, but I know I spend way more time on there than any person should. I really do want this season of Lent to be about more than ritual. I want to focus on the meaning behind the ritual and I desperately want to draw near to the Lord in prayer and his word.
I'll still be blogging and tweeting. I haven't gone that crazy, haha. I hope that you, too, will find time in the next 6 weeks to focus your heart on God's finished work.
How are you celebrating Lent? How can I pray for you?
I can't explain why, but while we were with our church tonight, I started thinking about this old blog post from 2009. I had this strange thought to repost it. Perhaps I just needed to re-read it (even though I don't think I've been struggling with any anger or forgiveness lately), or perhaps someone else out there does.
9/23/09
Each of us carries around more anger and frustration in our lives than we even know. When I start thinking about all the things that upset me, I get overwhelmed. Let's face it, we all have our reasons for feeling justified in our anger. Lately I've been trying to remember that everyone I see is carrying a burden of pain, hurt, and regret that is unique to their own life and experience. Our personal ghosts may come in many forms, but we all have them.
This has been a theme in my life recently. I see anger in myself and in the lives of many others around me. We're angry at God for the way he's made us. We're angry with our life circumstances and we're tired of dealing with it. We're angry with our brothers and sisters for mistreating us, for ignoring our hurts.
Perhaps someone truly has wronged you. Perhaps your circumstances truly aren't what the world would call "ideal." Maybe you truly are justified in your anger... or are you?
We must turn to Jesus in answer of this question. He was scorned by man, by us, more than we can probably imagine. Betrayed, beaten, abandoned by those who claimed to love him. He knew we would do it. He even warned us we would do it. Yet... he still shed his blood on our behalf. He still called us "Brothers." God made a covenant with us, that we would be his sons. We would act against it again and again, many times without even realizing it, but God would keep it despite our unfaithfulness.
It wasn't because we deserved it. It wasn't even because of our repentance or our commitment to preach the Gospel, or keep his word. Hechoseto set his affections on us because of who he is, not because we were really great people.
Maybe you've also entered into a covenant with a spouse, or a church. At one time, they claimed to love you, and they may be the ones who have hurt you most.
We must choose to forgive others because of whoheis. They may never ask for it. They may always feel that they were perfectly right in their actions or hurtful words. But if we are generous with anything we've been given by God, it must be forgiveness. Pray diligently for their repentance, and strive to be reconciled with them, but do not let forgiveness depend on their actions. You cannot control that and it will only cause your heart to be burdened longer. Do not deny the peace of Christ by harboring anger in your heart.
"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other;as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." Colossians 3:12-13
Keep the cross before you. Know that Christ's work was finished, that your sins were forgiven, that you received grace and mercy, that your ability to forgive rested on the shoulders of the man hanging on the tree. It remains there, still.
Christian, the Holy Spirit has equipped you with the ability to forgive. You cannot do it by your own strength. You must have faith that God can change your heart. Even if your anger is pointed directly at him, you must trust that he will replace it with joy.
"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that myglory may sing your praise and not be silent. OLordmy God, I will give thanks to you forever!"
Psalm 30:11-12
I'm not talking about Southern Illinois. I mean, like, ohsoillyouprayGodwilltakeyouhome ill. It has been a very unpretty week here in the Bass household. As always, my hubs is the trooper of all troopers. Boy, does he love me well! I cannot tell you how good he is.
I had sincerely hoped to make his first week back at school a good one, but instead he spent his nights studying alone, taking care of the dog alone, and being my good, good nurse and comforter. Sick as I was, one good thing always comes out of me being sick, I am reminded of just how marvelous God is to give me such a husband. I've said it before. I'll say it again. He's the BEST! I know a lot of people think that about their husbands, but I just cannot believe there could be one so great as Kyle.
He is so caring, thoughtful, tender, and strong. He carries me through everything, and that's no simple task. He loves me with the extraordinary, unconditional, unending love of his savior and mine, with the love of Jesus.
All summer I've been attending a small group Bible study with some people from our new church, August Gate. The thing is, the small group has turned into a pretty large group.
Last night we had a potluck to celebrate what God has done in our summer study, Vintage Jesus. It was also a night to talk about what comes next for our group.
We're splitting. We're done-zo. Over.
Okay, not really. We're just forming a new group in a new neighborhood, the fourth group for AG. Our good friends Josh and Kim will be leading. Kyle and I are going to be part of the new group. It is exciting to see how God is growing this church which has not yet existed for one year.
I will definitely miss seeing everyone, but I am excited to see what will happen with our new group. God has already blessed us so much through studying his word with these people!
Every Thursday afternoon, like clockwork, I feel the "ugh" set in. I get home from class around 4:30, and I feel tired, cranky, annoyed, and burnt-out. Why do I feel this way? Because every Thursday night I lead a Bible study at my house.
Now I should, I should, feel excited, joyous, eager, and the thrill of the anticipation that I will hear from God and share his word with other women. I should feel grateful about the opportunity to show hospitality to others. But I don't. Instead, I feel the weight of commitment, the obligation, the burden of wanting to do it "just right." The pressure of wanting to be a Mary and a Martha. It's the ugh.
So, every week, I begrudgingly sit down in front of my Bible, and open up to the chapter that we're studying that week to make my final preparations to lead discussion that night.
Every week, like clockwork, I open my Bible and pour over God's word. I read it. I study notes others have made about it. I search for last bits of wisdom and insight. What happens every week? I feel refreshed. I feel the ugh slip away. I feel joy taking over my sinful flesh that thinks watching reruns of the Real Housewives of Orange County (shameful, I know) is more fun than studying my Bible. My flesh was wrong. The ugh was my sin, my unwillingness to merely be obedient to what God has called me to do, study and teach his word to other women on Thursday nights.
Being obedient is the hardest part. That is to say, opening my Bible is the hardest part. Once it's there, and I begin to read it, the Holy Spirit does the rest. My stone heart is broken. God's word takes over, and joy replaces the ugh.
Maybe others who teach the Bible on a regular basis don't feel this way. Maybe I'm really messed up. Something tells me, however, that I'm not the only one. When it comes to sin, you can always be sure that someone else is secretly down in that gutter with you. The beauty of Christianity is that we can admit our challenges to one another, and run arm-in-arm to the wondrous cross, where Jesus has already overcome it all.
One of Cousin Steph's boys recently made it in the news! Dylan chose to raise money for Haiti relief through the Red Cross for his birthday instead of a traditional 10-year-old birthday party. What a kid!
"In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your goodworks and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:16
Today, I'm giving glory to God for the work He is doing in you, Dylan!
Waiting to see if I or Cousin Steph win the PW Weekend (we're taking each other if one of us wins)
Waiting on Ellie to stop this bad little phase she's going through
Waiting to stop this whole cry-at-the-crop-of-a-hat phase that I've been going through (I've always been sensitive, but COME ON)
Waiting for February 6, when I get to celebrate my birthday and meet my fam in StL where we will shop and eat, and I will pass off things that need to go into storage before we move
Waiting on God to show me how I can most effectively encourage and minister to other young women this semester
Waiting on answers from graduate schools and law schools
Waiting to see where we will be in just over six months
Waiting on answers to long-term prayers for our family
Waiting on God to give us our first child (I think it's going to be a while)
Waiting to see where that child will come from (My womb? Someone else's? This week, I wondered about Haiti... we're wide open!)
I'm no good at waiting. I'm an only child, for Pete's sake!
It's particularly hard to wait when I see so many in need right now. I want to help them right now. I want to grab one of those babies and hold them and rock them and teach them about a mom and dad and a God who love them right now.
I'm trusting in God's sovereignty that now is not our time for babies. Those babies are out there, though. Maybe our babies are out there. So since I can't bring them home with me right now, I'll pray for them fiercely, and I'll wait.
1. We feel that bearing children is our right, as opposed to something that is an undeserved gift.
2. We are prideful, carnal beings, and we want to perpetuate our own flesh.
3. We have misconceptions about parenthood, and think that it will bring us ultimate satisfaction. Truthfully, parenthood, while joyful, is difficult and requires constant sacrifice. True satisfaction is only found in relationship with God.
4. We always use the term "blessing" when talking about children, and that is true and good. It would be easy, however, to focus on this as the singular greatest blessing, and to think that if you could not bear children, you are not blessed by God.
5. We have misconceptions on God's view of childbirth. It would be easy to look at the Bible and perceive that many were "redeemed" by giving birth to children, usually a son. Truthfully, we are only redeemed by the blood of Christ.
6 good reasons to rejoice in Christ when it's difficult: 1. We get to see God's goodness as he grips us in the fire. 2. Experiencing loss and grief makes you more attuned to the pain others carry. 3. Jesus suffered more than we can understand, but we can identify more with him when we suffer too. 4. Clinging to Christ out of desperation is a good thing. We should do this every day anyway. We are hopeless and desperate without him, after all. 5. The life of a Christian should be marked not by our love for God and each other in our prosperity, but by our love for God and each other in our suffering. 6. (You fill in the blank.)
This year on our anniversary, Kyle and I received an incredibly encouraging letter from some friends of ours. This came just shortly after we found out that we have infertility. It was an emotional day, and I've still not been able to tell our friends just how much this letter meant to us. Nearly two months later, I still think about these words all the time, and the best way I can think to express my gratitude is to (anonymously) share them with you all. I feel so blessed that God placed such people in our lives.
Kyle & Chelsea,
It's interesting how, with some friends, you knew them as singles before they married. It's fun to see how their lives intertwine and their personalities mold and meld. It is a blessing to witness.
For you, we only ever knew you as Mr. & Mrs. Bass. With that comes some of its own unique blessings. Because we knew you not before marriage, let alone before you dated, it's hard for us to see the myriad of ways in which you've grown together in and toward Christ. So the blessing here is for us to see just how wise our Lord is in fitting each of you to be such a complement to the other. Kyle with his patience. Chelsea with her passion. Chelsea with her vast creativity. Kyle with a keen eye, ear and mind to appreciate the arts. Kyle with his love for pie. Chelsea with her mad pie-making skills.
All of that is to say that we enjoy your friendship and your marriage and are thankful to have known you not as you were, but the way God created you to be - together. To Him be the glory! He knew your hearts, your minds and your bodies. And He put you together, not because those parts are perfect, but because, in His infinite wisdom, He knew that He would be most glorified by the way you handle those imperfections together.
Thereunto, here is our prayer for your marriage.
Father, bless and keep this union for the sake of your name. May their strengths continue to magnify your worth. May their weaknesses continue to display your sufficiency. May their love abound, within and without. Amen.
We love you both. Happy 3rd Anniversary!
We love YOU too. You know who you are. Thank you so much for the way you continually encourage us.
Each of us carries around more anger and frustration in our lives than we even know. When I start thinking about all the things that upset me, I get overwhelmed. Let's face it, we all have our reasons for feeling justified in our anger. Lately I've been trying to remember that everyone I see is carrying a burden of pain, hurt, and regret that is unique to their own life and experience. Our personal ghosts may come in many forms, but we all have them.
This has been a theme in my life recently. I see anger in myself and in the lives of many others around me. We're angry at God for the way he's made us. We're angry with our life circumstances and we're tired of dealing with it. We're angry with our brothers and sisters for mistreating us, for ignoring our hurts.
Perhaps someone truly has wronged you. Perhaps your circumstances truly aren't what the world would call "ideal." Maybe you truly are justified in your anger... or are you?
We must turn to Jesus in answer of this question. He was scorned by man, by us, more than we can probably imagine. Betrayed, beaten, abandoned by those who claimed to love him. He knew we would do it. He even warned us we would do it. Yet... he still shed his blood on our behalf. He still called us "Brothers." God made a covenant with us, that we would be his sons. We would act against it again and again, many times without even realizing it, but God would keep it despite our unfaithfulness.
It wasn't because we deserved it. It wasn't even because of our repentance or our commitment to preach the Gospel, or keep his word. Hechoseto set his affections on us because of who he is, not because we were really great people.
Maybe you've also entered into a covenant with a spouse, or a church. At one time, they claimed to love you, and they may be the ones who have hurt you most.
We must choose to forgive others because of whoheis. They may never ask for it. They may always feel that they were perfectly right in their actions or hurtful words. But if we are generous with anything we've been given by God, it must be forgiveness. Pray diligently for their repentance, and strive to be reconciled with them, but do not let forgiveness depend on their actions. You cannot control that and it will only cause your heart to be burdened longer. Do not deny the peace of Christ by harboring anger in your heart.
"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other;as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." Colossians 3:12-13
Keep the cross before you. Know that Christ's work was finished, that your sins were forgiven, that you received grace and mercy, that your ability to forgive rested on the shoulders of the man hanging on the tree. It remains there, still.
Christian, the Holy Spirit has equipped you with the ability to forgive. You cannot do it by your own strength. You must have faith that God can change your heart. Even if your anger is pointed directly at him, you must trust that he will replace it with joy.
"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that myglory may sing your praise and not be silent. OLordmy God, I will give thanks to you forever!"
Psalm 30:11-12
"You guys definitely have infertility." The words hit me upside the head. In my heart, I already knew it was true, but some part of me was still holding out hope that our timing had just been off... off for over two years.
My initial reaction was to giggle when the doctor left the room. It was wildly unfitting and inappropriate. I kept looking at Kyle and repeating the words, "We're infertile... hahaha... We're barren... hahaha." It wasn't until we left the office that the full emotional weight of the diagnosis hit me.
I've seen other doctors in the past who suspected this, but no one ever confirmed it with tests and a proper thorough look at all of my symptoms. According to my physician, I'm a "classic case" of Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Basically, my ovaries don't produce eggs as they should.
Now, it's not completely hopeless. There are medications and treatments we can try to increase our chances of conception. We're just very cautious about which treatments we are willing to use. Also, we're very confused about God's timing in all of this.
We still feel very strongly that we are both supposed to start graduate programs next year, but waiting to try and conceive is only going to hurt our chances. Older is not better when you're facing infertility. Do we keep trying and have babies while we're students? While not impossible, that would be very difficult. Do we put graduate school on hold until we've exhausted all our conception options? There's a chance that, even with treatment, it may never happen. We both want to adopt someday in the future, but we'd also like to try to make a baby.
We would highly covet your prayers through all of this. We know that Christ is sovereign over everything, even my malfunctioning ovaries.
It is the mark of a mature man that his sense of responsibility takes precedence over his own feelings. It is a mark of godliness that he acknowledges God's care of all men, not only of himself. Moses was such a man. When God told him that he must go up Mt. Nebo, look over the land promised to Israel, and then die without entering into it because of his disobedience at Meribah, there is not a word of resentment of self-pity or self-justification from Moses.
Instead his concern was for the people he had been shepherding, that they might be brought home. The God to whom he addressed the prayer was the Most High over every nation (Deuteronomy 32:8). Moses saw things with a vision that encompassed far more than his own horizon.
Lord, deliver us from smallness and self-pity. "Make us masters of ourselves that we may be the servants of others." (Sir Alexander Patterson)
Sunday we celebrated our risen Savior. It was a glorious day for multiple reasons. In our Sunday evening community group, I'm really enjoying the growth that's occurring in everyone. People are getting saved, sharing the Gospel, making disciples, memorizing scripture, and all kinds of awesome stuff! What a joy it is to be part of this Christ-centered community.
We also enjoyed dinner with family on Sunday. We had a delicious meal with Kyle's parents. Fresh tulips adorned the table. Also adorning the table were these delicious Cake Pops that I baked with Alisha over the course of Friday and Saturday. They weren't as cute as the originals, but they were delicious.
